Destination
by Just LeakyCauldron
Summary: Remus remembers Sirius, thinks about how his life has been, is and will be... remembering Sirius Black please RR


My third one. This time, it's Slash (m/m).

I'm proud of it… Wrote it in August 2003, the night I had read the last chapter of HP & the order of the phoenix. Too many tears – I had to put my emotions into something…

Don't mind the mistakes, as always. *smile*

Hope, I'll see you soon. LeakyC

***remembering Sirius Black***

_  Destination_

He has gone. Forever. Sirius - my beloved Sirius. The last of the Black's family - and the only one of them who had never wanted to live in the darkness. I have always wondered why he had to be a Black. Sirius - 

We stay. I don't know whether we can resist to the end or not but we will fight. For freedom, for peace - and for love. I will fight for my love, I need revenge. I swore it to me the moment I hold Harry in my arms, kept him from running to the curtain. Both of us could not understand what happened  but when I heard Harry yelling, shouting his name, I realised that Sirius would never come back to us, that he would stay behind the curtain forever.

I lost my love.

I knew Sirius could never love me but I kept loving him because it has not hurt since I told him about my feelings. It was a strange situation for both of us. 

One day he came to me in the early morning hours and told me that he wondered why I kept out of his way, did no longer send him owls regularly when we were apart. And at this moment I had no excuse, no lie - I had to tell him the truth. I cannot say he was shocked. First he looked at me in disbelief but then he realised what my words meant. I thought he would be speechless and run away or so but instead of that he hugged me softly and said he was sorry. I was surprised but actually this was the last thing I wanted to hear. Love is not a kind of illness!  

Some months ago when Sirius came back to Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place to join the Order we had our best time, I think. Apart from our youth. 

Sometimes I thought he could do something stupid in rage or when he was worried about Harry but then I spoke to him to calm him down.

We never talked about my love again. Sometimes when I was in a bad mood he looked at me thoughtfully, worried, sometimes even frightened but he never said a simple word. Never! I wanted to ask him what he was thinking so often but then I let it be. Little by little, we became friends again. Sirius did not care about my deep feelings for him - he touched me, hugged me, stinged  me. It felt good. I was happy with him around me when I was working in his old home and when I had to leave I was looking forward to our next meeting.

Now I will never see him again. I'm still not able to understand it completely. The last few days till he's gone I had barely time for me to ponder. I have not slept for more than three days. But every minute I'm alone I think about Sirius. Then I cry and wish it had not happened, that he had not provocated _her_, that he had not joined us to the ministry. He would probably be still alive. He could sit downstairs in the kitchen or lay in his bed in front of me stroking Buckbeak. He could just simply be here with me. 

Could... Death never minds the conjunctive! It does not care about the senselessness of Sirius' death.

Why could it not be me? I'm not that important. Harry needs Sirius. He was both a father and a brother for him. I'm afraid of death but if I could give my life for Sirius', I would do.

I wonder how Harry is feeling. Yesterday I wanted to go to Hogwarts where he is again but they didn't allow me. He needs time, they say. If he wants to talk to somebody he will choose the right person. I don't think it will be me. We are not this close. Once I was his teacher, later a kind of a friend but I  will never be the person he will come to to talk about the death of his godfather. Harry must think I'm to0 busy with the Order to sorrow. This is why I wanted to go to him and talk to him. He must know that I want to be a person he can trust, he can tell everything and with whom he can talk about Sirius because I'm the person who knew him best. Apart from Harry's father, James. - Prongs.

He's gone, Sirius has gone, Wormtail nearly - Moony is still alive. Why?

I will stay as long as I have to. I will fight, not flee. Fight for Sirius, fight for Harry, with Harry. I want to take Sirius' task in being the godfather if he permits. I don't want to be Sirius but I will be there for Harry. Anywhere, anytime, anyplace when he needs somebody.

From now on I have a new destination. Perhaps this is why I'm still here. From now on I live for Harry Potter.

***remembering Sirius Black***


End file.
